Shame on you….

[If you haven’t had the chance to read the previous post on my Shame Story, please take a quick moment to scan.]

After having successfully navigated an epic Shame Storm for 3 years…. and only now, considering myself a Shame Survivor – I want to address this topic for a last time. Promise.

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Each generation has ubiquitous parenting styles. Of course, there are exceptions. Understood. But historically, there are generationally accepted philosophies on the correct way to parent.

Fully acknowledging that my Baby Boomer generation was hands-on, hyper-involved, and focused on orchestrating the minutiae of our children’s daily lives, we are labeled as “Helicopter Parents” or “Smother Mothers”. But Shame was generally not in our parenting vernacular.

Back up a generation, our parents were sometimes (not always) mass distributers of shame. It wasn’t intended for harm, but sincerely doled out routinely for building character. To highlight foolish behavior. To thwart temptation from future wrong decisions.

If you are a Boomer, then your little helicopters have already flown away from the home helipad. So why should you want to read an article on parenting vocabulary?

Because we are now grandparents.

And whether you live across the street from your grandchild and babysit everyday after school…. or you visit 4 times a year on holidays and birthdays, your words still matter.

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“SHAME ON YOU.”

That 3-word sentence – you should NEVER, EVER (I repeat NEVER) say to a child.

If this sentence becomes a routine and common verbal admonishment for a naughty deed… that small child will struggle to unhear those damaging words even as an adult.

Those 3 one-syllable words can be weaponized.

Probably uttered – without much thought and definitely without malice – the words “shame + you” can travel between those tiny toddler ears and live within that headspace for a lifetime.

As a new grandmother, I am acutely aware of the verbal impact I have every time I talk to my granddaughter. On the plane, I think of positive verbal affirmations I want her cute, miniature, infant ears to hear from me.

“You are and will always be ENOUGH.”

“I loved you before you were born, and I will love you until the end of time.”