COVID Conflict: The Family

There’s a topic that’s been weighing heavily on my heart...for years.

And it’s been highlighted and magnified by this stay-at-home directive.

During the past 2 months, I’ve read and heard stories about family conflicts skyrocketing as a result of being cooped up in confined quarters for weeks on end.

Just to be clear here….I’m not talking about the tragic increase of physical family abuse which is also prevalent during this Coronavirus quarantine – that’s a different topic on a whole different level.

I’m only talking about stories regarding that unique family member who used this sheltering-in-place order to verbally harass those around them.

And when they grow tired of bullying members in their own household – they weaponize their iPhone by calling or texting other relatives to spread their verbal venom.

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Have you ever read an advice blog or self-help book which instructed readers to confront the bully? Stand your ground? Tell the bully how their words have a negative impact on your happiness and overall well-being? I believe that is a productive way to handle the situation – if that is in alignment with your personality.

C.O.N.F.R.O.N.T.A.T.I.O.N has been my life-long struggle. There I said it. It’s taken me decades to be honest (unapologetically) about that. It has nothing to do with self-confidence or self-worth, it has everything to do with DNA hard-wiring. [And, I have lots of friends who are wired the exact same way.]

So how does a non-confrontational person handle a toxic relative during this ongoing Coronavirus induced lock-down?

I’ve said it many times before, and I’ll say it again. I am not a psychologist. Many moons ago, I got my bachelor’s degree in Psychology. That’s it. Whatever that’s worth? Not much for sure.

But I am an amateur observer who has an opinion (shaped and molded by decades of experience) on how to handle difficult family members. I do have firsthand experience and have lived vicariously through many friends who have shared stories about their own familial foes.

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So here’s my humble thoughts – written – as promised:

It is important to note – private conversations with sincere, heartfelt feedback about a bully’s inappropriate and unacceptable behavior doesn’t always cure the problem. I think I can actually hear an audible “AMEN“!

There are times when the Harasser-in-Chief uses well-intended conversations between 2 people…. as an excuse to involve the WHOLE family (and then some) to create a very public, messy blow-up. The bully publicizes the private meeting to damage and divide the extended family unit by forcing members to take sides.

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So again, the question begs to be answered….what is a smart, positive, and responsible way to respond to a renegade relative?

First and foremost, it would be wise to mentally separate the person from the behavior. Love the Person unconditionally. Hate the behavior because it is wrong. I know, it is easier said than done.

Secondly – Understand some basic principles about many bullying-types.

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Someone I know, respect, and adore asked me how to identify a family bully. Sure, they had hurt feelings and anger in the past over words said. But since this pandemic began, there has been an escalation of hateful text messages and hostile phone calls.

And that, my friend, was the impetus for this blog post.

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So, I asked my good friend this straightforward question: Do the following behaviors sound familiar?

…can’t give a compliment to save their life – but when they do, it is always followed with a nasty, passive-aggressive put-down.

… tries to sabotage your highly anticipated, upcoming vacation by forwarding text messages about a fatal plane crash with no survivors and a freak accident at the destination you are visiting.

… routinely reminds you of your failed business venture when you were right out of college or a time of unthinkable sorrow and sadness which brings instant tears.

...cutting down every aspect of your life – of course, in a joking way or with a deep, syrupy, southern accent or slow, drawling twang (which softens the words! Right?)

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Whether the etiology of their toxic words stem from a deep-seated jealousy from childhood, feelings of disappointment with their present-day life, or a mean-girl persona leftover from high school, it really doesn’t matter.

What matters? How you REACT and RESPOND.

I get it. There is always an underlying habitual hurt when you realize that a toxic member of your beloved family struggles with appropriate behavior. But after researching this topic for decades, I believe there’s a good chance that those biting words originated from a person who dwells daily in a deep, dark place of discontentment and dissatisfaction.

Take comfort in knowing – probably not one single word spoken or written is actually about YOU or for YOU. It’s about THEM…. And how they view their life in comparison to yours.

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For a writer, words are the most valuable currency.

Words can be weapons. And words can have magical healing powers. Words do matter to me, so I am careful when choosing the words I decide to listen to….and I ‘unhear’ the rest on purpose.

Stay well and stay strong. Talk soon.