Valentines & Hearts

First and foremost – HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

…to all readers.

Second and more importantly, I’m very sorry for being so preoccupied with the messy minutiae of daily life… so-much-so that my writing went out of the window.

January and the first half of February proved to be a productive month and a half  – but truthfully, I was buried in a pile of paperwork and wading through treacherous waters of difficult people….which is a perfect segue for my post this valentine am.

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This isn’t going to be a classic Roses & Chocolate Candy post on February 14th.

Read on.

No, on this Valentine’s Day, I’m focusing on genuine KINDNESS…a little twist on the heart theme!

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Not one – but two people – in my span of decades described me as a ‘kind’ person but not necessarily a ‘nice’ one.

To be honest, the first time I heard that analysis, I was taken back and mildly hurt.  But the more I thought about it – the more it made complete sense.

I am too direct and sometimes, too honest for polite society.  If a friend asks me what I think about a situation, I give my opinion in as few words as possible – without a lot of adjectives and adverbs.

Having said that….

Yes, I do try to be kind and considerate of everyone I meet. (Even though I fail miserably on many occasions.)

But No – I am not “nicey nice”.  (And you can probably think of someone in your life who fits that exact description!)

If you don’t know a Nicey-Nice person….

Allow me to introduce you to “HER or HIM”.

A Nicey-Nice person showers you with syrupy and sappy compliments and has the personality equivalent to Southern Sweet Tea.

Even though the words are truly ‘nice’….they just don’t ring true or authentic or genuine.

The Nicey-Nices of the world exalt public care and concern for people when ‘lunching’ in large groups – but secretly, they gossip and complain about those very “friends” during small coffee klatches at private kitchen tables.

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I began this blog to share information.

To share quality content (I hope) about my life experiences to make a difference in the reader’s life.

Of course, I don’t think for a moment that I am an important ‘change agent’ of sorts.

I just like to share life advice.  That’s all.

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NICE versus KINDNESS

So how DO you deal with people who – by all accounts – use nice words….but just aren’t really aren’t being kind?

Example 1

(1)  Someone in my outer social circle – who is a master of the most candy-coated sentiments for public consumption – privately expressed an alarming lack of concern for our friend’s physical challenges.  Bluntly and without a shred of empathy – told me our friend’s medical issues were not OUR problem. It was HER problem. And, I should quit trying to provide accommodations.  I was not only shocked at the lack of caring, but the duplicity of her public persona and her unguarded, private personality.

Example 2

(2) If you read my blog, you know that I am a Christian.  I am not a perfect person (immeasurably flawed) by any yardstick or scale.

Everyone who knows me even remotely or vaguely, knows that I am an ultra-private person. I make no apologies for that.  It’s just the way I am.

So it came with great surprise when a frequent lunch pal – with half-lidded downcast eyes -sweetly whispered, “I heard….”

I politely responded, “Heard what? Oh, this salad is fabulous!  How’s yours?”

Without acknowledging my obvious attempt to quietly deflect and pivot the conversation in a new direction..she quickly and nicely responded, “Bless your heart for putting on such a brave face.  I just couldn’t do it.”

I explained, “I don’t know what you have heard or what you think you might have heard, but truly there is no there….There.”  I certainly thought that ended this ill-informed, cryptic conversation.

Of course, I knew she had probably heard bits and pieces of a recent, familial situation – that for all intents and purposes –  was none of her business. I had not lost sleep or even shed a tear over the matter.  It was something that needed thoughtful conversation and prayerful consideration between my husband and me.  The matter was private, but…

Nothing illegal.

Nothing perverse.

Nothing salacious.

Nothing controversial.

Nothing newsworthy.

It was, by all measure:  A Big Nothing Burger.

She persisted.    “I’m so sorry for you.”  “You poor thing.”  “I’ll pray for you.” 

As much as I tried to impress upon this lunch date that all was well and good in my household, her relentless need to pour pitchers of pity all over me – in the name of nice – was utterly exhausting.

  

All nice words at face value….but without an ounce of kindness.

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Okay.  Solution, please?

Truth and Love.

That’s how you handle these situations.

Tell the truth, but with genuine kindness and love.

This way, resentment and anger will never develop and fester.

Example 1:

I explained to the woman who did not have any regard for our friend’s physical limitations – that we would ALL gladly make the same accomodations if she – herself – had to suffer through those daily challenges.  It’s always a high honor to help a friend in need.

Example 2:

So about that woman at lunch who magnified and dramatized my family situation…  I told her that I hoped nobody would EVER render unwanted and unsolicited comments about her wonderful and precious children out of respect for her whole family’s privacy and dignity.  I told her that I could have genuine concern for her without inserting myself directly into their private matters.

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Truth without love is too harsh!

Truth coated in love is divine.  Every. Single. Time.

HAPPY HEART DAY to you all.

Thank you for reading!